Meet the Residents: Rascal — The Sweetest Pirate Grandpa Cat around. The blog.

hoomane
Oct 10
3 min read

🏴‍☠️ Meet the Residents: Rascal — The Sweetest Pirate Grandpa

DOB: Feb 29, 2008 (yes… leap year baby. Technically like… 4?)

Surrendered to Me: June 2019

Status: demanding gremlin in retirement

Once upon a time, one of my employees at my Real Job™ started giving me the daily “there’s a cat who needs a home” sob-story soundtrack.

He was supposedly five years old. Sure. Right. 🙄

I cave, I agree to take him in. I only had 3 cats at the time. This is how you end up w 9 resident animals…..

She shows up at the house — cat, carrier, gear, all labeled neatly.

On the tag? His name, address, and date of birth: Feb 29, 2008.

Excuse me… ma’am, that makes him 11, not 5. Math is hard for my employees apparently.

Anyway. Meet Rascal — the weirdest, sweetest chaos grandpa you’ll ever meet.

Vibes

Old man energy. Sleeps all day. Accepts snuggles strictly on his schedule. Zero fear of anything or anyone. (Including vacuum cleaners & logic.)

Hobbies

Hanging out with random houseguests like he’s the landlord.

Staring at your feet until you correctly interpret his telepathic demands.

Screaming at bathroom sinks for… reasons.

❤️ Fun(?) Facts About Rascal

Came declawed from previous owners. (Seriously — can we make that illegal already?)

Eats only one brand of treat tubes, only certain flavours, because Rascal has standards, peasants.

Took months to trick him into eating his million-dollar prescription kidney food. I had to sprinkle it on the floor like I was feeding pigeons. Now he demands it daily.

And when I say “demands,” I mean:

He stares at your shoes. Circles like a shark. Then shrieks like a broken squeaky toy until you deliver the goods.

Sometimes it’s food. Sometimes it’s tap water. Sometimes it’s emotional support cuddles. You never know.

Kidney disease? Horner’s syndrome? Rascal does not care. He will outlive us all.

☠️ The Pirate Era

At 17 years old, Rascal decided it was time to reinvent himself — as a pirate. 🏴‍☠️

One day, his right pupil shrank, his eyelid drooped, & his third eyelid popped out like an uninvited guest. Cue immediate panic, frantic Googling, & a vet visit.

Diagnosis: Horner’s Syndrome.

Translation: his nervous system basically went, “lol nope,” and his eye joined the mysterious pirate aesthetic.

Symptoms include:

Droopy eyelid (dramatic flair)

Sunken eye (cinematic tension)

Constricted pupil (emo phase)

Third eyelid cameo (unwanted but persistent)

The cause? Total mystery. Ear infection? Nope. Trauma? Rascal pleads the fifth.

Final verdict: idiopathic, a.k.a. ¯\(ツ)/¯

🧠 Science Corner (But Make It Hoomane)

Horner’s happens when the sympathetic nervous system—the “fight or flight” wiring—takes a vacation.

The parasympathetic system takes over, whispering “rest & digest” while Rascal’s eyeball cosplays as Jack Sparrow.